Will you always love me? Ardently protect what good you had of me and defend all of my flaws and shortcomings from the blaspheme jaws of your new lover? Revisit my letters under the soft glow of the moon on those tarred nights where sleep abandons you? Habit my photographs, listen to songs, and brush the chimes hanging over your porch to replicate my laughter? Or have you forgotten that, too? The way I’d curl up to yours and warm my hands against the warm ember of your voice when all the world spun fast asleep. Will you remember me? The impatience with which I loved you, the language in which I knew you and the heavy sadness that kept us apart? Will you remember us in the bloom of Spring, in the impossible sky of Summer, in the chill of Autumn and in the cold and unbiased Winter? Because I do. I do.
The best laid plans… & that’s the last cliche. I wish I was better at making people feel better. I wish I could make you feel better, because you are so very important to me. And I’m struggling, and I let you listen to music loudly in your room without barging in, because right now I can’t bounce in and fill you with optimism about how it’s all going to be okay, and how this too shall pass without feeling the sticky sweetness of fake conviction coating the inside of my mouth. Right now I have days where I pull the covers over my head and let the trapped air get suffocatingly warm, and focus on breathing, in, out, in, out, & think… this is really all I am prepared to cope with doing today. Work lies piled up in my head. I loathe checking my emails because they are reminders of the life I checked out of living a while ago, except living life, in a practical sense, is inescapable. Here is a list of some things that make me feel like getting out of bed in the morning: hearing what you have discovered on spotify cuddling dhani making plans with you having you laugh at me for my various filthy obsessions You are one of my closest friends. You know more sides of me than almost anybody, and that’s because you have this beautiful way of being open and non-judgmental. I feel like I can talk about anything with you, and I do. I love how we have conversations that are deep, I love how I can link you to something on facebook and we can & do talk about it the whole day. I love how you and aje are together, it makes me so happy. I love how you parent dhani :) I love how, despite you not liking kids, you always listen and laugh at the appropriate times to my Aish tales. I love how you always check in on how I’m feeling. I love how you make me peppermint tea that I forget to drink. I love that we get drunk and eat chips and salsa in silence in your kitchen in suffolk. I love how you indulge my samosa habit. I love how kind you are, and at the same time, I’m in constant envy of how it never seems fake or forced with you; how are you that sweet and open and how do you have a face that is so filled with joy all the time? You glow. You light up. You always, always make me feel better.
written by Deepbluecease <3